January 25, 2016

Pregnancy Diary | Dealing With Anxiety While Pregnant

This post turned out to be much longer then I intended!! Sorry about that!
Something I don't think I've ever talked about on my blog is that I suffer from anxiety. Even though I know talking about it usually helps, its just not something I enjoy talking about. But today, i'm going to.

Having to deal with anxiety has been one of the biggest stresses during my pregnancy so far. I keep telling myself, "I know I can't be alone in this, I know there has to be other women who have dealt with anxiety while pregnant." But no matter how much I keep telling myself this, I still feel like its just me. Like i'm the only one who cannot fully enjoy everything pregnancy has to offer.

I'm the type of person who worries a lot. Every strange ache or pain causes terror. Leading me to feel like i'm always on the brink of death. Which in turn causes me to take panic attacks which quite literally makes me feel like I am dying. Most of my anxiety is like this. Other days I just feel sad for no apparent reason. For days-sometimes weeks- I can just cry out of nowhere, which- you guessed it, usually leads to more panic attacks.

Up until about a week ago I was doing quite well with everything. Aside from the first three months of pregnancy when I was terrified of every change that was happening to me and my body and stressed daily that I could possibly lose the baby during this time. Once the four month mark hit though I felt really good. I was your typical happy go-lucky pregnant girl. I enjoyed seeing my belly grow, I didn't care anymore that my boobs now sport stretch marks. Little things still worried me but for the most part I was great.

January 14th was my very first ultrasound. It was truly a magical moment. Everything went great, baby was right on track and we headed on our merry way. Then I get home a few hours later and there's a message from my doctor on the phone. Telling me I had another ultrasound booked for the following week. I called the office back thinking they must have been confused because I just had my ultrasound. The receptionist then says, "no sweetie, this ultrasound was called in today, they need to re-check some things." *Cue panic attack*

This isn't something a pregnant woman wants to hear. Especially not one who has anxiety. Of course i'm going to assume something was wrong and they need to check it out. Why wouldn't I think that? Luckily I had a scheduled baby doctors appointment the very next day so I could ask her what was going on. To my relief the only issue was that the baby wasn't in the proper position to get pictures of their spine and cord. While at this appointment my doctor told me she wanted me to go for my glucose screening since I would already be at the hospital again for my next ultrasound. For anyone who doesn't know, they do a glucose blood test to make sure you don't have gestational diabetes. Something that is actually quite common during pregnancy but not something one typically wants to deal with. So off I went on January 20th for my follow up ultrasound and glucose test.

They make you drink this gross sugary orange liquid and make you wait an hour. Then you have your blood drawn. Afterwards I came home feeling pretty good. Later on that night is when everything turned to crap. I was home alone and started getting that strange feeling I get before a panic attack sets in. I decided to grab a book and get into the bath to try and relax myself before anything could happen. This didn't work and I ended up having an attack while in the bath and two more that same night. I was kind of confused because there really wasn't a whole lot going on for me to feel anxious. Definitely not anxious enough to cause not one but three attacks in one night. I woke up the next morning feeling drained as I normally do after having panic attacks but I went to work anyway and by the time I came home that evening I was feeling pretty good. Happy even. Then I received another phone call.

Again, it was the doctors office saying my doctor needed to see me. Of course they wouldn't tell me what it was regarding over the phone but I know they only call you in themselves when things aren't quite right. *Cue the biggest panic attack I think I've ever experienced in my life*

It could only be one of two things. Either something bad came back from my sugar test or something was wrong in the ultrasound. It honestly drove me crazy the rest of the night not knowing what was going on I had to call the office as soon as it opened the next day and said "listen, I suffer from anxiety and I can't wait until Wednesday to find out what's going on. I just need to know what this appointment is regarding." She then told me it has to do with blood work. I was immediately relieved that it wasn't the baby but still quite upset at the thought that I probably have gestational diabetes.

So this is where I am today. Impatiently waiting for Wednesday morning to come to see what she has to say about my blood work. I've had one more panic attack last night and just feel absolutely terrible at the moment. I feel so bad because in my head I feel like every time I have an attack, the baby probably is too. I don't want to stress my baby out. But I don't know what to do.

Wow this post is long!! I am really sorry about that and if you actually read this entire thing than you rock. It actually feels pretty good having it all written out. If you have any tips on how you handle your own anxiety, it would be greatly appreciated! I have a few tips that work for me for the most part which i'll probably share in another post. I hope you are all having a lovely night, see you next time.

10 comments:

  1. Okay, I don't know how I missed you getting pregnant - congrats!!! :) That's super exciting! My cousin actually told all of us on Christmas that she's pregnant with twins, so it must be something in the water haha. I'm so sorry that your anxiety has been so bad, though! I totally understand why it would be though - being pregnant for the first time is probably so scary! I obviously have never experienced it before, but I can only imagine how stressed you are. That's good that it helped you write this post out. Sometimes writing can be the best cure!
    I hope you get good news on Wednesday!

    xx
    Kendra | Stnkrbug

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    1. Oh my haha I'm 5.5 months now!! Thank you, its slowly getting better. Just can't wait to get that appointment over with tomorrow!

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  2. The panic attacks sound awful! Hopefully you'll feel better once your appointment is over tomorrow!
    I don't experience anxiety myself, but I have a feeling that if or when I do get pregnant I will begin to have anxiety. I'm sure it's a lot more stressful when you've got a little one inside you!
    Hoping your day goes well tomorrow and sending calm positive vibes your way!
    Xx

    Amanda | Amanda Gouthro 

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    1. They truly are awful! You're very lucky you've never experienced anxiety! I've definitely been thinking only positive thoughts about tomorrow haha Lets hope it works and I dont freak out in the morning! Thank you very much xx

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  3. I'm sorry to hear you've been going through some anxiety and even having panic attacks. Anxiety sucks, and sometimes I get sooo anxious and nervous and worried that it just ruins my whole day... it is something I have been working on and thankfully I am learning to just take a deep breathe and calm down before I lose it. I hope your next days and weeks are calmer. Sending you a hug!

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    1. Thank you! You are so right, it totally ruins your entire day. Sometimes it ruins a perfectly good week for me! But things are okay at the moment :)

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  4. I would be just the same as you hunny, I am actually afraid that I won't enjoy pregnancy because of it, just keep as positive as possible and try to enjoy every minute!

    Meme x

    http://www.thedayinthelifeof.co.uk/

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    1. Im trying :) Things are going good at the moment *knock on wood* haha Don't want to jynx myself!

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