January 9, 2017

In The Mind of Anxiety/Depression

Most days I feel like my brain doesn't work. Like I can't seem to figure out how to...think? I try to put my thoughts and surroundings into perspective but I just can't. My brain won't allow it. The overwhelming feeling I get when I can't get my mind straight makes my chest hurt. Every shallow breath sends a pain through my chest. The pain causes worry. Why do I feel lightheaded? Is there something wrong with me? Am I dying?
When my mind is jumbled, no thoughts come. I feel bland. Void of emotion 
 And then it comes. 
The Sadness. 
It takes over completely and I hate everything about myself. I feel fat and ugly. Why doesn't exercise make me feel good? Why can't I fill this hunger? I don't like myself. I don't think anyone likes me. I don't want to go out. I don't want to talk to anyone. I can't stand being trapped in this house. I feel alone.

I'm a terrible mother. She can't see me like this. I don't want her to end up like me. 
How can I feel so unhappy when I have so much in my life to be happy about? It doesn't make sense. I don't make sense. I'm confused.
And now my brain doesn't work.

I'm lucky in a way. I'm lucky that I don't feel like this every day of my life. I'm lucky that I have a boyfriend who would do anything in his power to make sure I feel okay. I'm lucky to have an incredible daughter who shows me every single day why I'm needed. How much I am loved. If it weren't for them I don't know who I would be right now.

I wanted to share some regular thoughts of mine when my anxiety/depression is at its worst. Because sometimes, people don't get it. They see all of these amazing aspects of your life and wonder how you can be anything but happy. They think having anxiety is the same as feeling stressed out. Sometimes its hard for people to understand that you have no idea why you feel the way you do. It just happens and you have no control over it. You can't make sense of anything.

I also wanted those who struggle with it to know they're not alone. As much as you think you must be going crazy or you're the only one who thinks like this. You're not. There's a million people in the world feeling the exact same way and your days will get better.

2017 is going to be the year I beat anxiety. I don't know how I'm going to do it yet but I will.


12 comments:

  1. Awww I can definitely relate to your words, especially the part about brain not working properly! For months I was petrified I had a brain tumour as my brain felt so ill and like I would have a seizure at any moment, without medication I feel so ill >< I went to so many doctors to try and get a CT scan because I was convinced there was something abnormal in my brain. Now I know that there is but just an abnormal balance of chemicals - but I still keep finding things to obsess about. I hate that awful vague feeling that something is terribly wrong but you just can't put your finger on it >< I'm slowly trying to learn the difference between instinct and anxiety. When it's difficult to explain or for others to get their head around, it's easy for them to dismiss it as something trivial, when it's slowly destroying your life >< it's so lovely to know I'm not alone! xx

    elizabeth ♡ ”Ice Cream” whispers Clara

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    1. Health anxiety is the absolute worst. I have no idea when mine started but for a while now I constantly think I'm dying over everything!! Its such a burden. Are you now medicated? I always think about it but I'm terrified to have to take medication every day. I always say I'll be able to control it myself. You are definitely not alone <3

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  2. Interesting post, I love to read it, many people can learn about many things in life. Thank you for sharing. cannot wait for the next post!!!

    xxx

    www.modelonamission.com

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    1. I'm really glad you enjoyed reading <3

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  3. My heart really does go out to you, I can imagine how tricky it is battling those thoughts when you want to be able to focus on the happy moments with your little one. I'm so pleased to hear this isn't an everyday thing for you Renee, and that you've got a supportive boyfriend :)

    Gabrielle | A Glass Of Ice x

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    1. Thank you Gabrielle. It's definitely one of the hardest times in my life right now but I'm determined not to let it take over my life! :)

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  4. Wow what a personal post! Thank you for sharing. I wish you the best for 2017
    -Kate
    http://www.katekoutures.com/

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    1. Same to you :) thanks for reading xx

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  5. Thank you for sharing. I've had health anxiety, depression and OCD since I was a teenager. Posts like this help me know I'm not alone, although I'm sorry that you're also struggling. :)

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    1. I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this since you were a teenager <3 Fortunately I've been feeling pretty good recently :) I started reading self help books and they've helped a ton! xx

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    2. Thank you. :) I'm glad self help books have helped you. I've found that self help has helped me a bit too, with changing my mindset and that. That's great that you've been feeling pretty good recently. xx

      http://fallingpetalsuk.blogspot.co.uk

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    3. So glad to hear that :) It's so important to learn what kind of anxiety you're dealing with and taking the proper steps to help yourself.

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